Hope you are flourishing.
For a couple weeks this topic has been on my mind so I thought I’d share a couple gems I have picked up on the way.
Red Flags vs Insecurities
For me the thought of the process of getting to know someone romantically is exhausting. Not fun, not exciting, not endearing. Just exhausting and terrifying. As I have shared on my blog before, I have been hurt in the past, so I know all too well that the beginning stages are always “good”. When I think of getting to know someone new, I think of letting someone in all over again only to end up hurt and disappointed.
For the past year or so I have convinced myself that I am over the heartbreak and ready to move on. Delusional. Although I have not missed being a relationship or the people that hurt me, there were scars that cut deep and I kept putting a plaster over it convincing myself I was healed. I had to come clean with myself and admit – I did not trust men at all, not in a healthy “guard your heart” sort of way. I literally believed everything they said was bullsh*it. Even to the point, simple compliments made me uncomfortable because I was convinced all they do is lie to get what they want. Truth is I was projecting all my insecurities. I recently saw a tweet saying something along the lines of “if you don’t heal, you’ll bleed on people that didn’t hurt you”. The negativity I was carrying around was seriously toxic.
This whole time I thought my toxic behavior was me being the smart girl for once. Being heartbroken twice is no fun, so this was how I knew best to protect myself. If I don’t let them in how can they hurt me? Truth is I was hurting myself, numbing myself from connecting with people and enjoying genuine moments. I am an all round loving person, to friends, family and even strangers. I like to let people know I care, I like to do nice gestures, I like to make people laugh. Numbing myself meant I was depriving myself of myself. Draining.
So how do we draw the line? How do we learn from our past experiences without becoming insecure? Is this a red flag or am I still wounded?
Guard Your Heart vs Trust
“Above ALL else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it”
If I am honest with myself, if I really look back, there have always been RED FLAGS right from the very beginning when things were “good”. But I was so emersed by the IDEA of falling in love that I let things slide. I have since realised guarding your heart does not mean never giving love away, but not being QUICK to give it away. Really taking time to know people and what they stand for, BEFORE falling for them, because only some will be willing to catch you.
“Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.”
I shared with a friend how I was feeling (unable to trust/let my guard completely down) with a friend, who advised me to pray about it. So I did. I kid you not, the sermon the following day at church was “Ability to let go”. I picked up some amazing points I’d thought I’d share with you guys.
- The seed can’t grow if you don’t let it go – In order to get the beauty of the plant, you have to let the seed out your hand and put it in the ground. The seed will have to die first before it begins to grow. Let the pain die so love can grow.
- Express yourself – bottling up how you feel will have you going crazy and being on edge. Express yourself to people around you, you trust. If you have no one cry onto God.
- Stop being a victim – Examine yourself and your character. Why do people have the opportunity to hurt you?
- Focus on the present and future – LET GO. It is hard but it is the only way you’ll ever truly love/trust again. You can’t change the past but you can the future.
- Forgive them and yourself – Post I wrote on forgiveness – Forgiveness Begins at Home
Lessons vs Love
I see love as a beautiful room full of all the things we crave as human beings, but the door to that room is extremely narrow. With loads of baggage that room can be extremely difficult to enter and sometimes even impossible. Some people will take another door to a room not so beautiful because the entrance is wider. Some will avoid either for fear of what is on the other side. For us who want to see the full beauty of the room, we have to take the most valuable items from our baggage (the lessons) and let go of the rest so we can walk through and experience the room (love) in its true beauty.
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you or I will never be hurt again. But to avoid it we need to trust ourselves and trust God rather than never letting anyone in.
(men are still trash, stay woke)