I hope you are well. I feel like my last couple of posts have started with “it’s been a while”. This time it really has.
I love blogging but I have found writing impossible this entire year. When I started the year I would have never have imagined I would go through all the things I have been through already. Like I am sure we all had, I had so many plans, goals and visions for where I wanted to see myself this year. Unfortunately for myself, I have not been able to tick off many things from that list just yet, despite starting the year on such a high after launching the Tears to Laughter Journals.
“I am going through it”
I am sure my friends are tired of hearing me say this. That is not even to invalidate the difficulties or battles I face, it is to acknowledge I may not always deal with my battles the best way. My “natural” response to difficult times is to become unavailable, not even just for social events or meet-ups but for simple things, like not taking 3 days to reply to a message, using social media, showing active support, my passions/hobbies, my career, and so on. It is not like I do not want to do these things, it is just that every small task becomes incredibly draining because I am so consumed and exhausted by my own thoughts.
Back to this blog… something I LOVE doing and find plenty of fulfilment in… becomes extremely difficult to uphold while I am “going through it” despite the irony it was started in the midst of a difficult time for myself.
“I am not worthy”
Guilt. Procrastination. Self-doubt. Fear. More procrastination. As much as things that I/we may sometimes go through are things beyond our control, sometimes it is a result or consequence of decisions we ourselves have made. I have felt my fair share of guilt this year. Guilt and self-doubt are extremely crippling feelings. For myself, my mind would be consumed with things like “Who are you to help others?” “you need help yourself” “won’t you be a hypocrite?”. Thoughts like this are exactly what has kept me stagnant and put me in a worse position because as well as the challenges I am facing because of procrastination, I have now been dealing with the feelings of unfulfilment, neglect, lack of passion and even emptiness.
“I am undeserving”
These last couple of months my relationship with God has been so hot and cold (lukewarm), exactly what God tells us he does not want. When I feel guilty or undeserving, it is extremely hard to communicate with God or even say “I am sorry”, because I feel I should not know better in the first place. All of this despite KNOWING God knew my decisions before I even did, despite KNOWING God will forgive me if I come to him. But am I deserving of his love and forgiveness? The answer is NO, but he still loves me anyway.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more. Hebrews 8:12
God + Fulfilment > Self
The last couple of months have taught me that life is a consistent journey, even for those who have “made it” you have never really “made it”. This explains why people like Kim Kardashian still want to get a Law Degree after out earning way more than the average lawyer. As humans, there is always a search for betterment, most especially fulfilment, which often may not link to monetary reward. You and I must actively chase who we are and who we want to be DAILY. Not just wait and hope for things to get better but to work our ass off so they do.
One thing that often stops us for working hard is guilt or fear, both of which are often a reflection of insecurity. Guilt tells you the things about yourself that you already thought. Guilt/fear wants to hold you back and remind you are not good enough. Well, you are good enough, you are great! Especially if you keep putting in that work to make sure you see yourself in a positive light. I recently heard Sarah Jakes Roberts share the reason why we feel guilt or do not chase our purpose… we feel as though we should be ashamed of our story or we fear we are no better than the next person, not knowing what we have been through is exactly what another person needs to hear to get them out of a rut and that who we are is exactly what people will connect to. Your story will help people!
For me, I often suffer from insecurities regarding my physical appearance. Though I am nowhere where I want/need to be I thought I’d share something I wrote and made me screensaver so I can remind myself daily;
Today I am a new being. Today I decide to be better. Today I choose to love me. Today I am positive. Today I am happy. Today I am grateful because I realise I am blessed.
I will take care of my body. I will eat healthily and exercise. I will not put pressure on myself to be anyone but the best version of myself. I will stay focused and committed to the process and love me every step of the way. I will take care of myself inwardly and outwardly consistently.
I am beautiful, I am smart, I am loved, I am destined for greatness. When I am in doubt of these things I will remind myself of what the Lord says about me.
The last sentence that I have highlighted is so key because it sums up the entire message I am trying to pass on – God has a plan and a purpose for each and every one of us, in which I believe we find a sense of fulfillment. These plans are good, despite what our current circumstance may say or how we see ourselves. God + Fulfilment > Self
Whenever you think a negative thing about yourself, where you are in life, the decisions you have made and so on… remind yourself that what God says about you is more important! Working towards fulfilment and achieving your life goals is more important. Especially as a creative, it can be easy to fall in the trap for not putting out content because you are not in a good place, but that does not excuse not working on your content, let the what you’re going through inspire your craft. Lastly, as we enter a new month I want to remind you it is NEVER too late, this year can still be amazing for us, we just need to put in the work and trust the process.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. Hebrews 10:36
A few sermons that have helped me below: