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A Tears to Laughter Story #5: Oyin Morgan

Tell us a little about yourself…

Hey! My name is Oyin, I am 26 years young and I genuinely love deep and meaningful conversations. My friends would describe me as passionate, thoughtful and extremely impulsive (though that’s changing this 2020!)

Tell us about a challenging time in your life…

If I could choose a challenging time in my life, hands down the award would go to years 2017-2018; my life (in every area) came crashing! So, to give bit of context, in 2016 I graduated from University. Life was seemingly happy – girl goes to Uni, gets a 2.1, gets the grad job of her dreams and makes her parents proud. What could go wrong? I mean everything seem to be working perfectly, I was making good money, someone’s son was making me happy (for the most part ha) and my skin was glowing. Things were genuinely making sense as they had been for the past 22 years. But then (and I don’t know why) I began feeling anxious. Anxious about everything but mainly about work. ‘You got this job by accident’ and ‘You’re not good enough’ were anthems on shuffle in my head. These words started getting to my head so much that I remember working from home for 4 weeks straight just because I wasn’t prepared to face any of my colleagues. This feeling was new to me, I was confused as to what was happening. Was I experiencing the preliminary stages of depression or was I just lazy? Was it just a bad day? A low mood? Can prayer fix it? and if I share will I be paraded with a bunch of “aww’s”, “sorry’s” and ‘I didn’t know you were going through that’ These were questions I didn’t have the answer to so I pretended it didn’t exist for a while.

So anyway, I quit my ‘good’ job as I thought it was the problem and trusted God to come through. I had no clue I was in for a journey of patience and resilience. For 7 excruciating months I was unemployed and although my savings were going down by the day, I continued to live a life as though I was employed 😂 I went to interview after interview but would always get turned down after the 2nd or 3rd stage. All in all I think I went to about 18 interviews only to be told that I was unsuccessful. Then one month, I received the news I had been waiting for- a company wanted to employ ME! So, of course I grabbed the offer with both hands, I was sure this was my big break. Boy was I wrong lol. Due to the fact that I was still in a terrible place mentally that job lasted for 4 months and there I was back to square one, unemployed again for a further 6 months.

Other areas contributed to the dark space I was in. In fact, I had no emotional stability which was affecting my romantic relationships. I kept leaving and re-entering toxic spaces that weren’t good for me mentally, but it was all I knew and therefore all I kept finding myself in. And as for spiritually? Don’t get me started on where I was with God. I left my Church for about 3 months and questioned nearly everything I believed to be true. I had no clue who I was anymore.

It hurt more because my elder sisters were great role models, they were married, had good jobs and had two kids each. I couldn’t understand why I, being the last girl was so different to them. Why I couldn’t keep a job? Why I was in situationship after situationship and why my relationship with God was on the rocks. It was no surprise that I thought my life was going to be an endless cycle of short-term jobs and failed relationships.

How did this affect you or make you feel?

My depression hit me bad. Many days I spent hours fantasying about being hurt, injured and dying altogether. It got so bad that I began envying people that would have the balls to hurt themselves, like why couldn’t I run in front of a car? Why couldn’t I overdose? And if I couldn’t, was I really depressed. I began telling myself that I wasn’t that depressed, I mean after all I wasn’t self-harming nor was I actively seeking therapy. I didn’t seem to have the qualifications for REAL depression in my eyes and the mismatch between what I was feeling and what I knew to be depression gnawed at me daily.

Coupled with the unpleasant thoughts, I stayed in my room A LOT and being so susceptible to my emotions, my room was the only safe place for the state I was in. I couldn’t afford to accidentally cry when I was watching TV with my mum or dad so I tried to avoid both parents at all costs. In fact, texting my parents who were just downstairs to confirm ‘I had already eaten’ was the norm for me. I had no energy to do anything- my room would be a mess for days on end and I’d sleep with clothes on my bed, books, my laptop- anything. My room was a complete reflection of my mind- cluttered, hazardous and in desperate need of a tidy up.

And although I’m not really a foodie in general nothing could prepare me for the lack of appetite I had over this period. I hardly ate and dropped two dress sizes. People noticed and kept asking ‘Oyin, how did you do it’ as if I had been on some amazingly life changing diet and I had to brush it off with ‘I don’t know’ when I fully well knew I weren’t eating.

I think the worst effect of all is that I actively self-sabotaged every potential relationship that came my way. There would be times I believed I was happy enough to date, so I would. I’d get to know someone, like them but when it started becoming real and by real, I mean they had a duty to check in on how my job search was going, I’d literally want to terminate the conversation. At the time, my emotions were all over the place and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about being unemployed for more than 20 seconds. But of course, due to the caring nature of who I was talking to, they would probe and press to see how my mental state was. Looking back I can see why any loved one would do this but the truth is, it really just made me feel embarrassed and powerless. So, as a result, every talking stage ended in ‘I don’t think I can do this right now’

Are you in a better space now? How did you overcome this? 

A much better space. I am at PEACE.

If I’m to be honest, I think it all happened so fast that I’d be lying if I said I knew the day things got better. However, I do remember having a deep conversation with my Pastor in which I just cried. Literally there were no words just tears (he must have thought I was mad lol) but he literally encouraged me that all would be well. That week I must have had extra faith boy because I went from having 0 offers to 3 offers and even one from a job that had previously turned me down. I’ll spare you the details but the takeaway from here is that I knew that my story was about to change because my job breakthrough came with such heavy vengeance.

I had seen the results of faith so this allowed me to further trust in God even though areas in my life still needed improvement. I went back to my church, I got involved in serving and committed to coming every week despite how I felt. Low moods became manageable because I realised, I had power over it and it didn’t have power over me. Having a job gave me an in-explainable confidence boost because I was interacting with people for 7-8 hours a day again and not to mention how the pay rise made me feel lol.

My family and friends played a HUGE part in my growth too because they constantly encouraged me, were patient with me even when I was unresponsive or snappy. They took time to educate themselves on what was going on with me and I can honestly say every single person in my life was helpful in their own little way.

What good came from your challenging period? 

Now, I can honestly say I am genuinely happy with where I am in life, I mean I have my ups and downs as any human would but I’m honestly in a great place. I’m in a better space with God, love my job and I’m in the process of healing from emotional scars. That’s a sentence I thought would never come out of my mouth!

Upon reflection, I learnt that I had to be patient with myself and let God do his work in me (Read Philippians 1:6). I didn’t create myself so I was sure he had the manual for ‘fixing’ me. As unsettling as it sounded, my job was just to be STILL. I didn’t need to force conversations about my situation or update people on how I was feeling because that  wasn’t therapeutic to me – and that was OK.

A big one for me was I had to unlearn my impulsive nature. I verbally told myself “you can’t just quit a job because you aren’t feeling it Oyin”. I pushed myself to ‘dig deeper, what don’t you like? What can be done to improve how you feel?’ Because in life, you’re gonna face trials and sometimes it be your own personality type preventing you from overcoming.

All in all, I learnt that with depression, the help you receive is so dependent on how well you can communicate your pain but many people (including myself) do not understand their pain let alone know how to articulate what they’re feeling to someone else. They just know it’s heavy, it’s real and can’t seem to get out of it. So I put together some bullet points for anyone going through a hard time below.

What advice would you give to someone currently going through a difficult time?

  • Tell your loved ones to be present but not intrusive
  • Write down things you’re grateful for and make it visible
  • Don’t force yourself to be happy (You’ll be frustrated at yourself)
  • Take a social media break for at least 28 days (Too much of social media when you’re depressed is unbelievably damaging)
  • Most importantly PRAY (I can’t stress how much this changed my life- God hears and cares)

Remember: what you’re feeling has an expiry date

Any last words?

Confession: I took a while to write this because writing in the past has never been therapeutic to me. I used to hate writing and cried as I did it because it reminded me that my pain is real and isn’t just some thoughts I’ve put together. It’s a compilation of my realities and the experiences concerning the not so nice things life has thrown at me; ones I’d rather forget. I also felt at one point in my life that writing made me feel like a baby, a baby for even feeling the way I do, a baby for complaining and a baby for needing help. But writing this has honestly stirred up a well of gratitude in me, I have been able to reflect on my journey through this one piece and hopefully I have given hope to those who are on theirs. It gets better – I promise you.

Kind Regards,

Oyin & Tami

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19 Things I am Leaving in 2019

Let’s jump straight in…

1. Negative Self-Talk

For those of us that have struggled with one insecurity or another, we will be all too familiar with this one right here. “I’m not smart enough” “I’m will never lose this weight” “I am the ugly friend” “I will never get promoted”. Negative self-talk is just evidence of fear. It’s the easy route to believe the negative, that way you never get disappointed right? Actually, it means we set ourselves up for a life we don’t really want.. how about we believe good things about ourselves and say those things instead of the negative? Bye bye to jatti jatti!

2. Fear

Speaking of fear… not only does it create a space for negative self-talk, but it also creates a space that leaves us stagnant. The “what ifs” in our lives are always negative, but how liberating would it be if the “what ifs” became positives. “What if my business thrives” “what if my event sells out” “What if I get a new job” “What if I nail that exam”.

3. Pride 

I would say I am someone with quite a bit of pride. It’s taking me a while to admit that I guess because of my… yup you guessed it. But when it comes to the relationships you have with your loved ones there is no room for it. Fall out’s will happen… but I am determined next year to try and put my pride aside as much as I can and resolve issues through effective communication.

4. Camera Shyness

I have said this one the last couple of years, but in 2020 I am dedicated to sticking to my word. I am expectant to make so many beautiful memories with my loved ones and wouldn’t it be great if I could actually have pictures to look back on? And I…

Oop…

5. Balding Edges

I never thought I would be one of those people with hair issues especially in relation to my edges. My forehead was always known for being small because my hairline was so far forward … now with constant wigs, slicked edges and got2be glue… my edges are vanishing and my forehead is growing. So I am promising myself in 2020 to not take my hair for granted, and make more of an active effort in taking care of my natural hair.

6. Inconsistency

This one could literally relate to anything but the three main inconsistencies I would like to put a focus on in 2020 is God, Blogging / Tears to Laughter and Gym. The thought of the outcome of staying consistent in these three things really excites me! What in your life with a little more consistency could be so amazing?

7. Stale Friendships 

I don’t mean to be bad vibes with this one, I am definitely not one of those cut people off for the new year sorta people. However, I think it’s important to know who are your REAL friends.. not the people you were close to a couple years ago, not the people you have known the longest but the people who truly value you and vice versa. For me nothing dramatic needs to happen, it’s just about knowing at the back of my mind who those people are that I would go above and beyond for.

8. Lateness

For me this is just about adding an extra 30 mins to my get-ready time… because more often than not something seems to go wrong and I end up leaving later than planned. And if by some miracle I get ready with extra time… Picture time! Hello punctuality!

9. Pessimism

“It’s much more fun to be full of hope than pessimism any day of the week” – Lemmy

10. Procrastination

That’s it. That’s the bullet point.

11. Disorganisation

For me this is anything from… being on time to things like doing my meal prep for the week. It all boils down to disorganisation. To-do lists will be my friend in 2020.

12. Poor Money Management

I never thought I would say this… but… not every event needs a new outfit. Yes, I said it. I have found that when I buy things impulsively for a particular event I tend not to get much wear of it later. So taking my time to shop for things I like with a budget rather than ordering clothes every other week. Again, there are so many things poor money management could relate to… so I will try my best with those too.

13. Laziness

It gets so easy to blame everything on external factors, but I have learned in 2019 we have way more control than we think! It’s just about being determined to get up and make those moves.

14. Forgetfulness

I like to think of myself as a thoughtful person, however sometimes when life is being.. well life… it’s easy to get caught up in your own little bubble. This year I have forgotten a few birthdays and felt really crap about it. 2020, I will aim to stay on top of things by writing things down and setting reminders.

15. Perfectionism

“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.”― Ecclesiastes 11:4

16. Ungratefulness

“Gratitude is a powerful catalyst for happiness. It’s the spark that lights a fire of joy in your soul.” – Amy Collette

17. Indecisiveness

If you have ever been to a restaurant with me or even just Tesco, you’ll know the vibes. Because I am such a perfectionist it means I struggle to make decisions a lot because I am always scared to make the wrong one. I have learned that indecisiveness is just the cousin of procrastination and fear. So in 2020, I am going to be confident and concise in my decision making.

18. Irresponsibility / Carelessness

I can’t even count the number of times I have lost my bank card this year. I have lost my driving license, my keys… you name it. I think at 24 there is no excuse to misplace things so often. So in 2020, I want to prove to myself that I can be a responsible adult by being more careful and cautious.

19. Comparison

The new age of media / social media makes this one very difficult. But there is so much peace found in being grateful for WHO you are and WHERE you are. Comparison only robs us of peace and not in a way that’s productive at all. So try appreciating someone else’s looks or achievements, WITHOUT diminishing your own.

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So I Tried Therapy…

Hi Guys,

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I hope you are well.

I never thought I would be glad to be writing a post about Therapy, but you know what that shows… growth! Earlier this year I got the point where I just had enough of feeling sorry myself, being overwhelmed with anxiety, and simply just not recognising myself. I had gotten to a place where I had so many insecurities that a simple journey to and from work would have my heart racing, comparing myself to every single woman I walked past, how draining.

Growing up like any other human being I had my challenges and insecurities, but through it, I was always bubbly, full of life and ALWAYS laughing. How I began to feel about myself in more recent years meant that I was deprived of simple moments I could just be happy in. I always knew self-love was valuable but this year I realised, it is CRUCIAL to love yourself in order to navigate life. It impacts your relationships, your career, your development, your social life, and skills… anything you can think of really. Through it all, it’s important you get to the place where you decide ENOUGH is ENOUGH. For me, that was when I decided to gift myself the greatest act of self-love. I simply decided I was going to stop crying (it’s okay to cry) and start trying.  

My Journey

Enough is enough but what next? I knew I needed to express how I was feeling and as much as I believe those around me love and care for me, people go through their own things and it was not their burden to carry. I needed to dig deep and really uproot these insecurities. So as a Christian one of the things that was weighing on me was the lack of relationship with God, so I felt I needed a shift. I decided I was going to move church… but as a “Pastor’s Child” that was a whole battle on its own and a whole other blog post too. Anyway, I began searching for a new church.

I knew God would guide me but I also knew I needed professional help. I had tried to get help through the NHS a few months back and had heard nothing and as much as I did not have the spare cash lying around I decided to go private. I began doing research on the type of therapy I thought would be best for me. I opted for a form of Psychotherapy called humanistic therapies – which encourages you to think about yourself more positively and aim to improve your self-awareness, whilst also being able to explore the triggers of the negative thinking. I used counselling-directory.org.uk to find a therapist that would be close to home. I knew I really wanted to speak to a black woman specifically, as I suspected they would better be able to understand myself and my life experiences.

I knew that in the hope of finding a church that fulfilled my needs and finding a good therapist, I would still need to do my own work from deep inside. So this was little things from, taking social media breaks, reading articles and blog posts online that would encourage me and teach new things about dealing with and changing how I was feeling.

The Results

After loads of trial and error and making an agreement with my parents to attend their church once a month, I have found a church that really makes me excited to go there and less than a 15-minute drive away from my house. One of the things I really wanted was a sense of community and even though I still don’t talk to many people at the church I feel a sense of belonging and focus. There is no familiarity, so when I go to church it’s just me and God and I can really go there to just have that me and God time. I have learned so much and I am excited about what is to come.

I found a therapist who was based less than a 10-minute walk away from my house. And guess what? A black woman! I remember going to my first session not knowing what to expect but determined not to cry. When she began asking me simple questions I welled up very quickly and began to cry. I knew this exactly what I needed. I needed to let all those tears out because it had been clogging my system for so long. I was in therapy for just under 5 months, after that first session I probably only cried in one other session. Sometimes I even questioned if it was working because there were still low lows while I was in therapy but something that remained consistent in the articles I was reading is that this is a journey and things can get better it’s just going to need a lot of being intentional. So when I would feel thoughts creeping up that would take me in the wrong direction, I would remind myself of something encouraging my therapist had said, slowly this began to transition into my own voice as I finally started believing good things about myself.  Through my time in therapy my faith came up and I noticed my therapist would sometimes even quote me scriptures. Wow… she was a Christian too. It probably was not “best practice” for her to show me that but boy did this help. I knew I wanted someone who understood my struggles and she REALLY DID, and for that reason, she was able to ask me the RIGHT questions and say the right things. I did not always feel like spewing my guts so she was able to use a range of methods with me, we did exercises, used cards, imagery… you name it. Sometimes it felt silly at first but I always left with a spring in my step giving me that glimpse of self-belief that I so desperately needed.

During all of this, I was doing a lot of me work. I was trying to remove things from my life that impacted me negatively. A social media detox here and there was so crucial. As much I believe social media is not a “bad” thing, I think when you are in a certain headspace it certainly is more likely to have a negative impact on your mental health than a positive one, so why take the risk? So what do you do with all your spare time? READ READ READ. I read so many articles on self-esteem, self-talk, personality types, and anxiety, believe it or not, it’s some really interesting stuff. Not only did it remove the feeling of loneliness knowing I was not the only one experiencing these things, but it also gave me a sense of hope; Reading stories of people who have felt exactly how I have felt and now can truly love themselves. I learned so many little skills and tools that I use subconsciously in my everyday life that have made such a huge impact.

You Can Do It Too

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I am a long way off from perfect but I am sooooo overwhelmed with joy to say I am better. I am bubbly again and I laugh more often. I mean, I still cringe at pictures of myself but at least I am even taking them. I have made leaps of progress and if no one even notices, my spirt does. I don’t feel so heavy any more, I don’t feel unstable, I don’t feel like at any given moment I can burst into tears. A lot of people including myself feel like these changes happen when… you lose all the weight, you get that big pay rise and promotion, you get that relationship, you get recognition. Fact is not much changed in my “outside life” yet I wake up so much happier. Your “inside life” is so much more important, and trust me, it impacts the way good things are drawn to you in your outside life. That confidence means, I enjoy the gym more now rather than just seeing it as torture, I perform better and have better relationships at work, my romantic relationship is no longer anxiety-inducing and I just live more in the present moment.

If you are facing anything similar, you can do it too. Start the work today.

“If you are not happy with something, you should change it. So I went to a lot of therapy, and finally, I am able to speak up for myself…”Katy Perry

“Learning how to love myself and my body is a lifelong process. But I definitely don’t struggle the way I used to. Therapy helped me realise that maybe it’s okay for me to communicate my feelings. Instead of literally stuffing them down with food, maybe it’s okay for me to express myself.” Kerry Washington

Kind Regards,

Sis x

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A Tears to Laughter Story #4: Renee-Louise

Hey,

I hope you are well.

My name is Renee-Louise and I’m a 23-year-old Economics graduate and serial traveler! My friends would describe me as a brave, adventurous and definitely spontaneous.

While I was at University, I went through some character-building and life-changing experiences. The biggest change that happened and potentially knocked me while at University was my parents splitting up. I never saw the day coming as they had been married for 21 years. Besides, that was all I knew (them being together). Being young and naive I obviously took my mum’s side and got way more involved in my parents’ relationship than I should’ve done.

This became a major distraction and had a knock-on effect on my degree. I felt so overwhelmed at the time since I was consumed with negative emotions that I ended up failing a module and taking an involuntary gap year. At my University, you are not allowed to progress to the next stage unless you pass ALL modules, so I took it on the chin and turned lemons into lemonade.

Within the next week of learning that I would not be progressing to my 3rd year, I landed a job. This was a sales role that I found online with attractive pay. I mean, I’d never done sales before but since I like trying new things I thought, ‘why not?’. Initially, I was only supposed to stay at the job temporarily until I found something in my field that would at the very least contribute to my experience later down the line. However, once I got going in this job, I quickly became one of the top saleswomen and ended up staying there for the majority of my gap year. At one point I was earning more than my own mum and she’s a dentist, so you do the math!

At the time, I was so comfortable in this job and the money, that I even started having thoughts of just doing this sales thing full time and quitting University altogether. However, God had other plans.

After being at the company for about 9 months, sales started to take over my entire life since the job was very demanding. It was so bad that I even forgot about my own personal business that I had at the time and even ended up missing my retake exam because I was so consumed in making money and traveling.

Once I realised that I had missed my exam, I was actually petrified. I thought ‘RIGHT, that’s it I’m getting chucked out, they’ve had it!’. All of a sudden, when my University degree was almost ripped away from me I wanted it more than ever and I was willing to do whatever it took to get it.

I frantically enquired with my University about whether there was another opportunity to resit before September started and thank Jesus there was. At this point, I knew something had to change. Despite the good money I was making from being a sales consultant, I decided to step down from this demanding role so that I could focus on my exam. I moved to another role within the company I was at. This role was far less demanding and target driven so I was able to focus on studying for my exam more.

After a while of being in this role, It was made clear to me that I wasn’t that valuable to the company anymore, so when things started getting a little tight for them financially, they had no problem letting me go. Of course, I was distraught by this because that was my main source if the income at the time. However, again I turned lemons into lemonade and used those months of being unemployed to travel some more and focus on my upcoming exam.

Soon after being laid off, I visited Doha in June 2018 for a solo trip and then went on a family cruise in August 2018. The day before my family cruise was the day of my final chance to retake the exam that I had missed. So, my nerves were all over the place. It wasn’t long before I got back my results and had secured my place I third year again. I had a major sigh of relief because I’d never felt so close to losing my degree before. It was definitely the wake-up call that I needed to value my degree again and regain focus.

When I rejoined University in September, I knew it was time to SMASH it. I wanted to finish with a 2:1 at the very least and to do this, I had to put in serious work because I ended up with a 2:2 in my second year due to just not caring anymore about my degree.

For 9 months, I had to suspend all travel plans, put my head down and actually WORK. I also got closer to God at the start of the academic year which really really helped to give me the drive and determination I needed to take me to the finish line. My third year is when I truly saw what God was capable of doing. He gave me a forgiving heart and I was able to move past my ill-feelings towards my dad and he even rewarded me with first-class grades across the board which helped to drag my grade all the way up to the 2:1 that I’m so grateful to have achieved.

If there’s any advice I’d give to anyone reading this or been in the same predicament as me it’s this:

  • Never take an L as a loss but as a lesson
  • Talk to people on your travels. You have no idea what you could learn
  • Turn lemons into lemonade always. Looking at the brighter side of things always leads to better outcomes!
  • Try new things that are out of your comfort zone, because you have no idea what could be waiting for you outside that zone
  • Don’t get involved in anyone else’s dramas while at University. FOCUS  It’s only 3 years and anyone that loves you will understand that.
  • Travel at any chance you get!
  • Take everything one step at a time while at University. There’s plenty of time to live out your dreams the way you REALLY want to when you’re done!
  • ALWAYS have faith that God knows what he’s doing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. (He wants and knows what is best for us)
I’ve now graduated and living out my dreams of being a travel content creator and it feels great! In fact, as I write this I’m currently on a plane on my way to Nigeria to see my dad and make up for the lost time. So, head over to my blog and follow my journey where I post daily travel, lifestyle and news content.
Thanks for reading!
Kind Regards,
Renee x
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You Are a Bully!

Hi all,

I hope you are having a great day.

There is a popular principle that originated from a Bible Verse – “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31. Simply stating that you should treat others how you would like to be treated by them, under the assumption that people like to be treated well by others. I very much agree with this principle, however, I have been thinking lately that we can expand on this and apply it to ourselves. How about we also treat ourselves how we would treat others? Or we treat ourselves the way we would like others to treat us? 

Constructive Criticism 

Despite my frequent raised eyebrow at the existence of humanity, I think it is safe to say the majority of people still desire to treat others with human decency. With that comes an element of consciousness with what we say to others. In-fact when people fail to adhere to these standards they are often labeled negatively, for example – a bully. I would like to assume most of us were raised with a sense of emotional intelligence in that we should aim not to upset people with our words. The notion of “Constructive Criticism” was introduced to prevent negative feelings or emotions even when what we want to say is not particularly “nice” in other words being able to point out where someone may have gone wrong politely, and potentially outlining how they could do better going forward. Great right? Polite honesty without sugar-coating or rudeness, brilliant. And it works! When this is applied right especially in places like the workplace it saves a lot of negative emotions and conflict.

So my question is, why are so many of us just straight up critical towards ourselves, not constructive at all, just critical? For others we can apply emotional intelligence and think about how our words may affect them but for we say the nastiest things towards ourselves.

I am fat. 

I am ugly. 

I am too skinny. 

I am not smart. 

I have no talent. 

I am not loveable. 

I am not good at my job. 

You are a bully! A bully to your very own self. For any of you who may have unfortunately been bullied, you will know that words said to you can really follow you for a long time, make you doubt yourself, and really hurt your feelings. We want others to have the decency not to bully us but we lose so much power by bullying ourselves. When you say nasty things about yourself it is not productive, it’s harmful.

Constructive Criticism: Application

As human beings, we are all “imperfect” in one way or another and for that reason, it is important to be reflective and see how we can improve on things. With that being said, whenever you notice something you think you can improve on rather than beating yourself up with your negative words and thoughts… stop! Think! How would I communicate this to someone else avoiding hurting their feelings? …Then say it to yourself that way.

Positive Affirmations

A way to combat bullying yourself is by replacing those negative words with positive ones. Many people struggle with positive affirmations as they feel distant to message because they do not believe these things to be true or it just feels more wishful than realistic. But like many things in life we aim to improve, it involves repetition and practice. The same way our physical health may be reliant on CONSISTENT exercise and healthy eating, the same way our mental health is reliant on CONSISTENCY with mind “exercises” that help us renew our mind and transform our thinking patterns for the better.

Positive Affirmations: Application

I recently re-watched Girls Trip (love that movie!), and one thing I really loved is whenever the main character felt a negative emotion she would say the opposite about herself – “I am strong, I am beautiful” and I think that is an amazing way to apply positive affirmations. Although I believe we should not always wait for a negative stimulus before we speak positively about ourselves. If you are struggling to use positive affirmations it is a great place to start.

A few examples:

  • My work will be recognised.
  • I can do this!
  • I am successful.
  • I’m grateful for the job I have.
  • I’m bringing a positive attitude to every aspect of my life.
  • I am happy.
  • I am moving forward.
  • I am loved

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

You can not have a positive life and a negative mind – Joyce Mayer 

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

 

Kind Regards,

Sis x

Posted on 3 Comments

Red Flags vs Insecurities

Hey,

Hope you are flourishing.

For a couple weeks this topic has been on my mind so I thought I’d share a couple gems I have picked up on the way.

Red Flags vs Insecurities

For me the thought of the process of getting to know someone romantically is exhausting. Not fun, not exciting, not endearing. Just exhausting and terrifying. As I have shared on my blog before, I have been hurt in the past, so I know all too well that the beginning stages are always “good”. When I think of getting to know someone new, I think of letting someone in all over again only to end up hurt and disappointed.

For the past year or so I have convinced myself that I am over the heartbreak and ready to move on. Delusional. Although I have not missed being a relationship or the people that hurt me, there were scars that cut deep and I kept putting a plaster over it convincing myself I was healed. I had to come clean with myself and admit – I did not trust men at all, not in a healthy “guard your heart” sort of way. I literally believed everything they said was bullsh*it. Even to the point, simple compliments made me uncomfortable because I was convinced all they do is lie to get what they want. Truth is I was projecting all my insecurities. I recently saw a tweet saying something along the lines of “if you don’t heal, you’ll bleed on people that didn’t hurt you”. The negativity I was carrying around was seriously toxic.

This whole time I thought my toxic behavior was me being the smart girl for once. Being heartbroken twice is no fun, so this was how I knew best to protect myself. If I don’t let them in how can they hurt me? Truth is I was hurting myself, numbing myself from connecting with people and enjoying genuine moments. I am an all round loving person, to friends, family and even strangers. I like to let people know I care, I like to do nice gestures, I like to make people laugh. Numbing myself meant I was depriving myself of myself. Draining.

So how do we draw the line? How do we learn from our past experiences without becoming insecure? Is this a red flag or am I still wounded?

Guard Your Heart vs Trust

“Above ALL else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it”

Proverbs 4:23

If I am honest with myself, if I really look back, there have always been RED FLAGS right from the very beginning when things were “good”. But I was so emersed by the IDEA of falling in love that I let things slide. I have since realised guarding your heart does not mean never giving love away, but not being QUICK to give it away. Really taking time to know people and what they stand for, BEFORE falling for them, because only some will be willing to catch you.

“Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.”

John 7:24

….“Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 

1 Samuel 16:7

I shared with a friend how I was feeling (unable to trust/let my guard completely down) with a friend, who advised me to pray about it. So I did. I kid you not, the sermon the following day at church was “Ability to let go”. I picked up some amazing points I’d thought I’d share with you guys.

  1. The seed can’t grow if you don’t let it go – In order to get the beauty of the plant, you have to let the seed out your hand and put it in the ground. The seed will have to die first before it begins to grow. Let the pain die so love can grow.
  2. Express yourself – bottling up how you feel will have you going crazy and being on edge. Express yourself to people around you, you trust. If you have no one cry onto God.
  3. Stop being a victim – Examine yourself and your character. Why do people have the opportunity to hurt you?
  4. Focus on the present and future – LET GO. It is hard but it is the only way you’ll ever truly love/trust again. You can’t change the past but you can the future.
  5. Forgive them and yourself – Post I wrote on forgiveness – Forgiveness Begins at Home

Lessons vs Love

I see love as a beautiful room full of all the things we crave as human beings, but the door to that room is extremely narrow. With loads of baggage that room can be extremely difficult to enter and sometimes even impossible. Some people will take another door to a room not so beautiful because the entrance is wider. Some will avoid either for fear of what is on the other side. For us who want to see the full beauty of the room, we have to take the most valuable items from our baggage (the lessons) and let go of the rest so we can walk through and experience the room (love) in its true beauty.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you or I will never be hurt again. But to avoid it we need to trust ourselves and trust God rather than never letting anyone in.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3 5:6

Kind Regards,

Sis x

(men are still trash, stay woke)